“In movies there are only two types of zombies—slow and fast. But zombies are a lot like people in that they WERE people once and so they come in more varieties than you can point a sawed-off shotgun at. Here are the ten main types of the undead, many now approaching your door as you read this.
1. Would-Be Romantic Zombie
While vampires have sexual allure and wolfmen have animal magnetism, zombies have to bathe themselves in cologne and try not to lose a crucial limb on a date.
2. Passive-Aggressive Zombie
Never trust a zombie who can’t say to your face that he’s going to eat your nose. Better still, never trust a zombie.
3. Pretentious Zombie
Occasionally a zombie has a lot more trouble letting go of its opinions than it does its own life.
4. Painfully Shy Zombie
Zombies are very sociable creatures, always meeting and greeting and eating. But those who don’t like crowds may soon find themselves starving for companionship.
5. Self-Rationalizing Zombie
It takes more than a very strong stomach to be a zombie. It also takes a very flexible moral code.
6. Superhero Zombie
Inside some special zombies there still lies a brave, good-hearted person trying to claw its way out…only to shred some other things along the way.
7. Life Coach Zombie
Sometimes zombie hordes need a little direction in life, even if that direction leads them into glass, gunfire or an inopportune thresher.
8. Narcissism Zombie
Some undead think the living are just here for their own selfish needs, whether it be appetizer or adulation.
9. Bad Roommate Zombie
Zombies are notoriously shiftless. They never chip in groceries. They never help clean up the apartment. And when it comes rent time they just attack the landlord, causing you to get evicted.
10. Curiously Prepared Zombie
There’s nothing worse than realizing you’ve been outwitted by something that’s starving for a brain.
Now that you know the many different types of zombies perhaps you won’t think life will be so monotonous when they finally take over… next Tuesday.”